Jokes for Engineers

पहले एक ने रेड लाइट जंप कि

पहले एक ने रेड लाइट जंप कि
 
पीछे से 5 और ने की।
पुलिस ने पहले को छोड़कर सभी का चालान काटा।

बाकियों ने पूछा: “इसे क्यों छोड दिया?”
इंस्पेक्टर:
यह हमारा ही आदमी है ये वापस जाएगा
रेड लाइट जंप करेगा और तुम जैसे 4-5 को फिर फंसवाएगा।
हमें भी टार्गेट पूरे करने होते हैं।।

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

80 वर्षीय संता चेक-अप के लिए डॉक्टर के पास गया।

80 वर्षीय संता चेक-अप के लिए डॉक्टर के पास गया।

डॉक्टर उसकी सेहत को देख कर हैरान हो जाता है और पूछता है, *"तुम्हारी इतनी अच्छी सेहत का राज़ क्या है ?"*

संता, *"मैं पंजाबी हूं सूरज उगने से पहले उठता हूं और साइक्लिंग करने निकल जाता हूं फिर वाइन के दो गलास पीता हूं...!*
*और यही मेरी सेहत का राज़ है।"*

डॉक्टर, *"ठीक है... तुम 80 बरस के हो, मुझे यह बताओ जब तुम्हारे पिता की मृत्यु हुई तो वो कितने बरस के थे...?"*

*"मेरे पिता की मृत्यु किसने कहा...??"*

metoo का खौफ

आज सबेरे उठा तो पड़ोस वाली भाभी अपनी छत पर खड़े होकर Me too..Me too...चिल्लाये जा रही थी....एक बारगी तो मेरा दिमाग सुन्न सा रह गया..... फटाफट अपना दरवाजा बन्द करके बैठ गया...!!

आधे घण्टे बाद मालूम हुआ कि उनका तोता उड़कर हमारे घर आ गया था जिसको वो प्यार से मीठू.. मीठू..बुला रहीं थी 

metoo का खौफ

job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Department person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks of vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!

Quality Control

There were three people ready to be executed by guillotine back in medieval days. A farmer; a blacksmith; and, an engineer. For whatever reasons we don't know. The first was brought up to the platform and the henchman ask if he had any last words. The farmer said yes, that he would like to say a prayer. After kneeling down and praying, the henchman had him put his head through the opening in the guillotine and he pulled the chain. The blade came crashing down but stopped 2" from the man's neck. Everyone gasped and said for the henchman to let him go. This must be a sign from the gods.

Sensitivity

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad.

पत्नी ने दूर से उंगली

पत्नी ने दूर से उंगली का इशारा कर पति को बुलाया
पति: हाँ बताओ क्या काम है?
पत्नी: कुछ नहीं बस उंगली की रेंज चेक कर रही थी।

कबुतर जा जा जा

कबुतर जा जा जा
कबुतर जा जा जा

7वे प्यार की 5वी चिठ्ठी चौथे को दे आ

कबुतर is confused where exactly to go.....

लखनऊ की अदब...

लखनऊ की अदब...

भिखारी : "जनाब, ख़ुदा आप को नेकी बक्शे... 
आप से एक ख़ुसूसी इल्तिजा बराहे-करम अर्ज़ है कि क्या जनाब-ऐ-आली, इस दरवेश को 10 रुपए की इनायत फ़रमा सकते हैं...?? ज़रा चाय पीने की ख़ाहिश थी..."

मिर्ज़ा साहब : "मियां... 
चाय तो 5 रुपए में आती है...??"

भिखारी : "लाहौल पढ़िए हुज़ूर... अकेले पियूंगा क्या...?? आप नोश नहीं फ़रमाएंगे...??"

 

Coming out of Retirement

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.

21 ACCENTS

Alright alright... I feel like I have some clearing up to do because quite a few people are getting really angry and emotional when I got the accents wrong. Hey I'm just imitating the accents I hear.. Most people who complain that the accents don't sound like that, then continue to call me really negative things need to CHILL OUT, because most likely it's people from SAID country who denies. FOR EXAMPLE: indians don't think the accent sounds like that, neither do italians, or even chinese and pinoys.

महागठबंधन के भविष्य पर कवियों ने बनाया मज़ाक

मैं भारत का नागरिक हूँ,
मुझे लड्डू दोनों हाथ चाहिये।
बिजली मैं बचाऊँगा नहीं,
बिल मुझे माफ़ चाहिये ।
पेड़ मैं लगाऊँगा नहीं,
मौसम मुझको साफ़ चाहिये।
शिकायत मैं करूँगा नहीं,
कार्रवाई तुरंत चाहिये ।
बिना लिए कुछ काम न करूँ,
पर भ्रष्टाचार का अंत चाहिये ।
घर-बाहर कूड़ा फेकूं,
शहर मुझे साफ चाहिये ।
काम करूँ न धेले भर का,
वेतन लल्लनटाॅप चाहिये ।
लाचारों वाले लाभ उठायें,
फिर भी ऊँची साख चाहिये।
लोन मिले बिल्कुल सस्ता,
बचत पर ब्याज बढ़ा चाहिये।
धर्म के नाम रेवडियां खाएँ,

A Frustrated Software Engineer : 2 | An Appraisal Discussion

We all know that the Corporate world is no less than Mahabharata during appraisals. And its employees, no less than warriors bleeding with pain. What happens when Arjuna, the IT engineer, expresses dissatisfaction with his rating? Guess which character from the epic does the manager play to handle the situation?
 

बेटे क्या यह हमारी संस्कृति है ?

एक लड़का पार्क में पेड़ के पीछे अपनी गर्लफ्रेंड के साथ खड़ा था।

एक आदमी पास से गुज़रा और बोला:

बेटे क्या यह हमारी संस्कृति है ?

लड़का:
नहीं, अंकल यह तो मल्होत्रा अंकल की रीना है।
आप दूसरे पेड़ के पीछे चेक कीजिये।

 

अमरीका में जब कोई बीमार पड़ता है

अमरीका में जब कोई बीमार पड़ता है तो लोग कहते हैं ....... 

" गेट वेल सून "

इंग्लैंड में कहते हैं ....

" विशिंग फ़ॉर स्पीडी रिकवरी "

भारत मे कहते हैं ....

" इसी बीमारी से मेरे चाचा तड़प तड़प के मर गए थे "
 

सिन्धी vs मारवाड़ी

*सिन्धी*: जब तुम्हें गर्मी लगती है तो तुम क्या करते हो?

*मारवाड़ी*: हम कूलर के सामने बैठ जाते हैं।

*सिन्धी*: फ़िर भी अगर गर्मी लगे तो क्या करते हो?

*मारवाड़ी*: फ़िर हम कूलर चालू करते हैं.

Priest, a lawyer and an engineer

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"

what is equations

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...

smallest possible amount of fence

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last.

The graduate

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"

पति- ये कैसी दाल बनाई है ?

पति- ये कैसी दाल बनाई है ? 
ना नमक है, ना मिर्च है, बिल्कुल फीकी है । 
तुम सारा दिन मोबाइल में लगी रहती हो, 
कुछ पता नही चलता क्या डालना है क्या नही?

पत्नी- (बेलन दिखाते हुए) 
पहले तुम मोबाइल साइड में रख कर खाना खाओ, 
कब से देख रही हूँ... पानी मे डुबो डुबो कर रोटी खा रहे हो ।

 

The Frog Princess

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

हैदराबादी कस्टमर :- मेरकू चेक डालना है कब तक क्लियर करते ?

हैदराबादी कस्टमर :- मेरकू चेक डालना है कब तक क्लियर करते ?

बैंकर :- 2 या 3 दिन में क्लियर हो जाता ।

हैदराबादी :- दोनो बैंक तो आमने - सामने ईच है फिर इत्ती देर काईकू ?

बैंकर :- सर, प्रोसेजर फ़ालो करना पड़ता, अगर अभी आप कब्रिस्तान के बाहर एक्सिडेंट में मर गये, तो आपकू पहले घर कू लेके जाते, गुसल देते, कफ़न पेनाते, जनाज़ै की नमाज पढते, या फिर मरते ईच सामने के कब्रिस्तान में दफन करते ?

हैदराबादी :- ए मै 3 दिन बाद आता ना, ऐसे खतरनाक एग्जापंला नक्को दे रे बावा, समझ गया मैं.. !!!

 

पेशेंट - बहूत नींद आती है डॉक्टर साहब, हर समय सोता रहता हूँ..

पेशेंट - बहूत नींद आती है डॉक्टर साहब, हर समय सोता रहता हूँ..

डाक्टर - कौनसा मोबाईल युज करते हो.??

पेशेंट - नोकीया 1100

डाॅक्टर - एक स्मार्ट फोन लिख के देता हूँ, *जीओ* सिम लेके फेसबुक , वाट्सप ईंस्टाल कर लेना, सब ठीक हो जायेगा..

Wife vs. Mistress

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Funny side up: Life of engineers

Watch out for stand-up comic Appurv Gupta as he takes you with his tongue-in-cheek humour. With engineer's simple life fundas, quirky email ids of the IITians and funny-techy Indian smartphones user stories, this witty episode is a sure shot entertainer for all. Also on the show, Appurv Gupta spills the beans on why people send out impersonal invites nowadays, why the Indian Education system emphasizes on rattafication and what is wrong with the IITians?

 

सच ओर वहम में क्या फ़र्क़ है

1 - मालिक: तुम बाथरूम में क्यू घुस आए, क्या तुम्हे पता नही था की मैं नहा रहा हूँ?
नौकर: हज़ूर ग़लती हो गयी, में समझा था बेगम साहिबा है.

2 - टीचर: सच ओर वहम में क्या फ़र्क़ है ?
स्टूडेंट: आप जो हमें पढ़ा रही हैं वो सच है, लेकिन हम सब पढ़ रहे हैं ये आपका वहम है……..

3- लड़का: माँ, आज मेरा दोस्त घर आ रहा है….
घर के सब खिलोने छिपा दे.

माँ: तेरा दोस्त चोर है क्या?
लड़का: नहीं, वो अपने खिलोने पहेचान लेगा !

होली पर कुमार विश्वास का 'मोदी, राहुल, केजरीवाल' स्पेशल

शनिवार को आम आदमी पार्टी के नेता कुमार विश्वास द्वारा जारी किया वीडियो काफी पॉपुलर रहा। इस वीडयो में कुमार विश्वास ने प्रधानमंत्री नरेंद्र मोदी, दिल्ली के मुख्यमंत्री अरविंद केजरीवाल, कांग्रेस नेता राहुल गांधी पर निशाना साधा है। उन्होंने दिल्ली का राजौरी गार्डन उपचुनाव हारने के बाद एक वीडियो जारी किया है। समाचार लिखे जाने तक 2.40 लाख लोगों द्वारा यह वीडियो देखा जा चुका था। 

Ladki

 Ladki: घर पर कोई नहीं है आ जाओ
boy: (shocked)

अभी तो लौटा
हूँ तेरे घर से

Girl: ओह सॉरी , फिर से तुम्हे ही
लग गया क्या ...?

स्पेलिंग ने मरवा दिया!

गयी है।
ऑपरेटर: आप किस जगह पर हैं
कृपया वो बता दीजिये।
संता: Connaght Place में।
ऑपरेटर: आप मुझे स्पेलिंग बता दीजिये?
आगे से कोई आवाज़ नहीं आई।
ऑपरेटर: सर क्या आप को मेरी आवाज़ आ
रही है?
दूसरी तरफ से
अभी भी कोई आवाज़
नहीं आई।
ऑपरेटर: सर प्लीज, जवाब दीजिये,
क्या आप मुझे सुन रहे हैं?
संता: हाँ- हाँ माफ़ करना, मुझे Connaght Place के स्पेलिंग
नहीं आते, इसलिए मैं उसे घसीट कर
Minto Road पर ले आया हूँ। आप Minto Road के
स्पेलिंग लिखो।

 

 

 

1 आदमी ने 1 ऊंगली से 6 लोगों को 6 सेकण्ड में

1 आदमी ने 1 ऊंगली से 6 लोगों को 6 सेकण्ड में
उपर पहुँचा दिया…
.
क्या वो…
सुपरमेन था ? : नहीं…
स्पाइडरमेन ? : नहीं…
रजनीकांत ? : नहीं…
नहीं…नहीं…नहीं…
.
तो वो कौन था ?
5 मिनट में उत्तर दो…

Doctor Patient Jokes

ओप्रेशन के वक्त बेहोशी का Injection लगाने से पहले डॉक्टर ने पूछा – “आपकी उम्र ?”

औरत ने कहा – “28 साल”

डॉ. ने कहा – “आपको यकीन है न कि, आपकी उम्र वही है, मुझे आपकी उम्र के हिसाब से Injection का डोज देना है ।”

औरत – “32 साल”

बेहतरीन पोस्ट लोड करने और एक भी लाइक न मिलने पर

बेहतरीन पोस्ट लोड करने और एक भी लाइक न मिलने पर
, जब कर्ण ने खिन्न होकर अपना मोबाइल नीचे रख दिया
, तब श्री फेसबुक आचार्य ने फेस बुक और व्हाट्सप्प के बाबत निम्न सत्य का ज्ञान उपदेश उसे दिये :

1. हे पार्थ !, जिन्हें तुम्हारे विचार अच्छे लगते हैं, वो बिना पढ़े ही तुम्हारी पोस्ट लाइक करेंगे ।

2. मोबाईलधर कहते हैं, हे मित्र , कुछ महारथी तुम्हारी पोस्ट लाइक तो करेंगे, पर किन्ही कारण वश ग्रुप में दर्शा नही पाएंगे , ऐसे जातक तुम्हारी अन्य माध्यम से ज़रूर प्रशंसा करेंगे ।

बापू - तेरे ते आई.टी.आई करवा दी

बापू - तेरे ते आई.टी.आई करवा दी
तु घर कॆ तार भी ठिक ना कर सकदा

मिस्त्री बुलवाणा पड़े स -

छोरो बोल्यो - बापू जी आई टी आई खाण कमाण खातर करि स, चिप कॆ मरण खातर ना करी ॥

U.P. के एक इंजीनियरिंग कॉलेज

U.P. के एक इंजीनियरिंग कॉलेज
के सभी शिक्षकों को एक टूर
पर ले जाने के लिए एक
हवाई जहाज में बैठाया गया..!!
जब सभी शिक्षक
बैठ गए
तो पायलट ने बड़ी ही ख़ुशी
से घोषणा की-
.
.
.
.
'‘आप सभी गणमान्य
शिक्षकों
को यह जान कर
खुशी होगी
कि जिस प्लेन में आप
बैठे हैं,
उसे आप ही के कॉलेज के होनहार
विद्यार्थियों ने बनाया है...!!’'
.
.
बस फिर क्या था..!!
इतना सुनते
ही सभी शिक्षक इस डर से
नीचे
उतर गए कि कहीं उड़ान
भरते ही विमान दुर्घटना ग्रस्त

बस तू अपना मुँह बंद रखीयो।

एक लड़की की शादी से दो दिन पहले उसकी
सहेली ने पूछा: शादी की सारी 
तैयारियां कर ली क्या?
,
,
लड़की: हाँ दोनों SIM नाले में फेंक दिया, फ़ोन तो Format कर दिया है, 
Facebook भी Deactivate कर दिया है, 
बस तू अपना मुँह बंद रखीयो।

तो ऐसी फीलिंग आती है

सुबह उठते ही मोबाइल में व्हाट्सअप 
खोलते ही 80-100 मैसेज पड़े हो....

तो ऐसी फीलिंग आती है 
जैसे दूकान खोलते ही आठ-दस हज़ार 
की बिक्री हो गयी हो!!

एक बार एक लड़का दारू पी के घर लौटा

एक बार एक लड़का दारू पी के घर लौटा,
.
फिर पापा से बचने के लिए चुपचाप Laptop खोल 
कर पढ़ने लगा..
.
पापा – आज फिर पी के आया है..
.
बेटा - नहीं
.
.
पापा - तो कमीने , सूटकेस खोल के क्या पढ़ रहा है.

जाटनी : मुझे सभी सडे हुए , खराब आम देदे

जाटनी : मुझे सभी सडे हुए , खराब आम देदे
.
दुकानदार : खराब ????

जाटनी: हा, खराब और सडे आम...
.
.
.
दुकानदार : (सभी खराब आम एक पॉलिथीन में भरकर देते हुए ) ये लिजिये .....

जाटनी: हाँ ...अब ऐसा कर इन्हें साइड में रख दे और... 
अब बचे हुए अच्छे आमो में से 1 किलो आम मेरे लिये तोल दे...
दुकानदार बेहोश....

सैफ : हमारा तैमूर आ गया!

सैफ : हमारा तैमूर आ गया!
करीना : खुदा ने आपकी मन्नत पूरी कर दी अब तो आप खुश हो? 
सैफ : ओ कम ऑन करीना! अभी तो तुम्हे बाबर, हुमायू, अकबर, जहाँगीर, शाहजहाँ, औरँगजेब 
ओसामा, बगदादी, याकूब, अफजल, कसाब, बुरहान, भी पैदा करने है! 
!!!करीना बेहोश!!!

एक बार केजरीवाल ने भगवान शिव जी को खुश करने के लिए घनघोर तपस्या की.

एक बार केजरीवाल ने भगवान शिव जी को खुश करने के लिए घनघोर तपस्या की.....
भोलेनाथ उसकी तपस्या से खुश होकर प्रकट हो गए और बोले - मैं तुम्हारी तपस्या से प्रसन्न हूं बेटा। मांगो क्या मांगते हो..?.
केजरीवाल - मैं चाहता हूं कि मोदी जी इस्तीफा दे दें.....
भोलेनाथ- तथास्तु ...............
दूसरे दिन ललित मोदी का आईपीएल से इस्तीफा आ गया 
केजरीवालजी ने यह ऐलान कर दिया कि नरेंद्र मोदी और भोलेनाथ एक दूसरे से मिले हुए हैं...
अगली बार उसने भगवान विष्णु की उपासना की और कहा कि देश के प्रधानमंत्री इस्तीफा दे।
विष्णु जी ने कहा - जैसी तुम्हारी इच्छा...तथास्तु....

साप्ताहिक भविष्यफल

सोमवार : - सफलता के साथ खुशियों के क्षण भी महसूस करेंगे। आप के जीवन में किसी सुंदर कन्या के आने का योग बन रहा है,

मंगलवार : - घर बैठे आज आपको धन प्राप्ति के योग है,अनायास भाग्योदय होने से आपको आश्चर्यचकित परिणाम मिलेंगे।

बुधवार :- खुशियां मिलेगी, शुभ सन्देश मिलेगा,कोई सवैधानिक पद मिलेगा। आकस्मिक धन लाभ, सोने चांदी का दबा खजाना मिलने का योग.

वीरवार : - खूबसूरत जीवन संगिनी से मुलाकात और शादी का प्रबल योग.

शुक्रवार :- नयी महिला मित्र से मधुर सम्बन्ध, अकेले में रात को उसके घर रुकने का निमंत्रण मिलने कि पूरी सम्भावना.

Mechanical vs. Civil Engineers

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Human Anatomy

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A man is flying

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

Blind Golfers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

Engineering pick-up lines

  • I won’t stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page. Cringe!
  • You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
  • Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. Ouch, this one is wrong on so many levels
  • My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
  • Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
  • Wanna come back to my room? …and see my 1000 Mhz Pentium VII?

Water in the Glass

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

An engineer was enjoying

An engineer was enjoying his very first vacation ever, relaxing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But a hurricane came, and the ship went down instantly. The man found himself swept up onto the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.

Paying In Advance

Once an engineer was driving in a ranch and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the redneck. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

Engineer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the redneck.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

Knowing Where To Put It

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

Woman vs. Bicycle

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Haw two empres a Garl if Week en inglish

यू पी सरकार से लैपटॉप पा कर लड़का गूगल पर टाइप करता है 
" Haw two empres a Garl if Week en inglish "
गूगल का जवाब -
"सुधर जाओ, खेती बाड़ी कर लेओ, जेमें फायदा है, मोड़ी पटावे में कच्छु नई धरो, जयदाद बिक जईहे जे चक्करो में और जूता पडिहै सो अलग.

One girl went to a electronic shop with anger

One girl went to a electronic shop with anger and
threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from
whom she bought it. 
She told the salesman that you have... cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop.. Salesman : Madam, can you please try infront of me. This is what She did,

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.

2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.

3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.

Smoking Is Injurious To Health

A Software Engg was smoking
Girl: Didn’t u see the warning ?
Smoking is injurious to health.
Engineer: We bother only about errors & not warnings.

Doctor Complaining To Engineer

A doctor is talking to a car engineer, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”

“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”

10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand.

10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor?

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. 

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full. 
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. 
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

Mast joke

Aisa aksr hota hai.....hmare sath mein.......dost bolte hain aisa.....jab hote hain saath main...khud to nikal jate hain bahane se..hamein chod ke aise Halat mein.....Rj...follow me on fb/gangwarrajesh11

Mime through 'BAAHUBALI'

Tribute to Team BAAHUBALI -MEDLEY by our Dancing Divas

Watch..Enjoy..Nd share if u like :)

BY
Sindhura kavya adabala
kamali villa
shruti perla

CAMERA
Anusha raj

EDITING
Sai krishna

CHOREOGRAPHY
Sindhura kavya adabala

Sting Operation | Part 1 - Saurabh Shukla, Bollywood actor

Watch the sting operation on Saurabh Shukla, one of the finest actors of the industry where he is caught by Vipra Dialogues taking bribe and passing cheap comments on women and the entire media fraternity. Unbelievable!

CREDITS:

Baahubali 2 - The Ending

Enjoy Baahubali / Bahubali Spoof in Hindi. Bahubali - The Ending is the best spoof of Indian bilingual epic historical fiction film Bahubali. Directed by PK2 Fame SRikanth Reddy.

The Gujju Viva - Comedy Engineering Short Film

The Gujju Viva is a bout all the worst of the college that todays engineers have faced. We rest can sit back and enjoy. To all the engineers. :D Take a ride through college tides.

Thanks to all those who took part in the making of this film.

And thanks to Neotech institute to allow us to do the shoot at the college though due to technical issues we couldnt use any of the footage.

Inspired from the ever epic short film The Viva - by Sabarish Kandregula
 

IIT Bombay Girl Gives Best Ever Reply To Pyaar Ka Punchnama | Female Version

This video "IIT Bombay Girl Gives Best Ever Reply To Pyaar Ka Punchnama | Female Version " finally replies back to the famous monologue from Pyar Ka Punchnama ( By Rajat) where he grunts about all the pains guys go through in a relationship. But here's the other side of the coin - or to say other side of the speech - by Fashionista Ferret replying back to Pyar Ka Punchnama's Rajat monologue. 

Credits for Acting of IIT Bombay Girl Gives Best Ever Reply To Pyaar Ka Punchnama | Female Version : Jaskirat Kaur and Aishwarya Bodh

Best Reply To Pyaar Ka Punchnama | Female Version

While the world of men is going gaga over the lengthy monologue from the movie 'Pyaar Ka Punchnama', they are missing out the point that a relationship is made up of two. Our latest video 'Best Reply To Pyaar Ka Punchnama | Female Version' is a fitting reply to all those men out there who think of themselves as a victim in a relationship while all they do is make noise through such insane speeches. Watch it boys and next time try to talk some sense at least!

CREDITS:

HR The Useless Department

HR Department is often said to be the most useless department in an office. Our video ‘HR (the useless) Department’ is a comic take on how HR people usually behave. 

The debate is on. Do we really need an HR department in office?
What is your take on this? What should be the HR department’s role? Leave us your comments in the section below. Also, let us know about the kind of videos you would like to see in ‘The Workplace’ series. We're waiting to hear from you.

Honest College Placements

What would happen if all college students answered the questions they were asked truthfully!

 

Velentine Day

Velentine Day Pay Acha Gift Mila Bichari ko

 

  •  

ONE DAY BEFORE EXAM

Showing EEE , EEC , MECH , CIVIL & CSE branch students what they were doing ONE DAY BEFORE EXAM [ it's a visual treat without any dialogues ] 
 

Kara : a PS3 new technology

Quantic Dream, the development studio behind titles like Heavy Rain, has showcased the new technology, entitled 'Kara'.
 

Kara is a visually stunning and emotional PS3 technology which is here "represented" by a female android who becomes self concscious

 

 

    Candy Crush The Movie (Funny video on Candy Crush Requests)

    edicated to all the Candy Crush and Facebook hyperactivity Haters!
    LIVE AND LET LIVE: Satirical video on social media hyperactivity, especially the Candy Crush Addiction and Candy Crush Request Notifications spreading like epidemic.

    Top ten reasons not to date an engineer

    So, since I am actually dating an engineer (a mechanical engineering masters student, might I add!), I think I’m allowed to joke about this…although I don’t think this is going to impress EcoHawk very much :)
    10. Shirts and jeans are our formal dress. Hot dog and a six-pack is our seven-course meal. Sadly, this one is very, very accurate I’m afraid – but they really do come out of their shell when they’re comfortable. When you do get them to throw on a pair of dress-pants however, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how well they clean up!

    The frog and the software engineer

    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
    The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb

    How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. That’s a second year subject.
    How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
    How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
    “Will this question be in the final examination?”
    How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

    Engineers Diet

    We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree celsius.

    Monkeys

    A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
    shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."
    The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the other side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

    Personalities

    They asked The scientist; What is 2 + 2?
    He replied... 4.000000000
    They asked The engineer; What is 2 + 2?
    He replied... 4.0 (+/- )

    They asked The attorney; What is 2 + 2?
    He replied... what would you like it to be? :o)

    Upmanship

    An engineer, lawyer and CPA go together on a camping trip one summer.
    After a night of drinking around the campfire, the CPA stood up and said "Watch This!" he took out a pistol, threw his bottle of burbon in the
    air and shot it.
    The lawyer, not to be out done said, "that's nothing." He threw his bottle of scotch in the air and shot it blind-folded.
    The engineer stood up and said "That's better, but it's still not worth a damn." He grabbed the pistol, shot the CPA and lawyer, and sat back
    down to finish his beer!

    Are You An Engineer?

    You Might Be An Engineer...
    If you introduce your wife as "[email protected]"
    If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
    If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
    If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
    If Dilbert is your hero *** <----- ***
    If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
    If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
    If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
    If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

    Logical Choice

    A engineering student is on his way to class, when his friend, another engineering student, rides up on a bike.
    "Where did you get the bike?", asks the first engineering student. The other explains, "Well, I was on my way to Unit Ops, when one of the
    cheerleaders rides up and jumps off her bike. She screams with excitement, runs up to me, strips off all her clothes, gives me a big hug and a kiss, and said she'd give me anything I wanted!"

    The first engineering student says, "Good choice. Her clothes would never have fit you."

    Micro Logic

    There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and an Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
    The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
    The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

    Here to Serve

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've
    got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

    Getting Even

    A successful engineer flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have

    Lost on an Island

    An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.
    He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

    Top Ten Reasons to Date An Engineer

    10) They are used to all nighters
    9) They get to learn what all those buttons on your calculator are for
    8) They are always willing to experiment
    7) They know how to decrease and increase friction
    6) They know all about heat transfer
    5) They do it with more torque
    4) Engineering couples have better moments
    4b) They know how to deal with stress and strain
    3) They know how to test their rigid cantelevers
    2) "Lubrication, Friction, and Wear" is really a class
    And the number one reason to date an engineer....

    Before sex

    1.. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself..
    Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're fucked.
    2.. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
    3.. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
    4.. 3 People having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
    5.. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

    Was God an Engineer?

    An electrical, a mechanical and a civil engineer all sat down one day to try and decide of which of their faculties god must be to design the human body.
    The electrical engineer says god must be an electrical engineer, for you only have to look at the complex nervous system powered be electrical
    impulses.

    The mechanical engineer was sure that god must be a mechanical engineer, for the advanced mechanical systems, the heart a pump, the veins
    pipes and the tendons and muscles an advanced pulley system.

    Three engineers and three accountants

    #3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582
    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

    Quickies

    Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
    A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
    Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities.

    Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
    A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

    Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
    A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

    If it Ain't Broke

    "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
    Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

    Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

    IN 2018

    Bhikari: Bhagwan ke naam pe kuch de de.
    Engineer: Ye le meri B.Tech ki degree rakh le.

    Bhikari: Tujhe chahiye to meri M.Tech ki rakh le.